Every once in awhile I feel a buzz. Something pulling me forward towards my future. I have lived in survival mode for most of my life. Running. Afraid it will all fall apart. I thought I had it all figured out when I was 17. Left home. Started art school. Dropped out. Moved to LA...always chasing my future. Now here I am at mid life, looking back and looking forward. Where am I headed and how do I get there? I am on a precipice. Perhaps the scariest one of all. I am leaving the relationship I have been in for more than half of my adult life. I have nurtured someone else more than myself. I have given and given, mostly to my children which is a good kind of giving but in a partnership, it needs to go both ways. So as I face myself I have to ask - what's next? How do I truly step into myself? Sometimes I get a glimpse of who I can be.
Even though I didn't finish my degree (yet), I have collected so much knowledge. My favorite client is a small business, usually owned by a woman, who is already established but needs to take the next step. Clarify their image and how they are seen in the world. I help do that. I'm really good at it. And I need to do it for myself too. The other glimpse is standing in Stockholm restaurant, surrounded by stunning patterns and seeing the tea label I did for Erin. Knowing that I am a pattern designer. Feeling it. Knowing it in my bones. I need to nurture that. I need to nurture myself. I need to believe in myself. I can do this. I can step into a future that is abundant and clear and full of joy, ease and pleasure. I can do this.
Sometimes I wonder if I was born in the right time... I long for a bygone era and yet I dream of a future that holds the best of technology mixed with the “old ways” that are so much gentler on us and the earth.