Wow! I have not done a blog post since April of 2021. That's a big gap. And yet I value this medium so much. The cover of my most recent Uppercase magazine says "Keep Showing Up" and it's just what I needed to hear. In reality, I have been showing up in so many ways and life is full. I finished my 100 day project and kept going. I built a larger portfolio of work and I got better at posting and sharing. Just recently, I had my first client who found me on Instagram and hired me just to do illustration for her website. And my images will be animated! They are flowers that will appear to be be blooming. But the amazing thing is that I am not doing any of the technical part - just the artwork. It's a wonderful feeling. And it happened because I showed up.
This summer, I showed up for my kids. I made it happen. We traveled down the state of California for two weeks, went to Monterey where my daughter did Junior Life Guards and met some of the best friends she's ever had, stayed in San Juan Capistrano at a dear friends house while they traveled. Went to Legoland for my youngest's birthday surprise. Had dinner in Encinitas which is as close to Hawaii as you can get on the mainland . Later in the summer we were back in Monterey and I got a paddle board, a dream I had for years and finally showed up for. It's like walking on water.
In the fall, the kids actually went back to school and stayed in school. Even through a new surge, which we got, and all the twists and turns along the way, they are in school. So the days are full. Mostly with my "day job" but I have also found the time to do amazing work with Herb Folk to complete her tea line, to do new packaging for her broth herbs and to start the design for her bath salts. The creative process of working with Erin Wilkins has been one of the most fulfilling experiences of my life. We both show up. Every time. What a gift.
Since last May, I have been showing up for myself, physically. I started doing ParkFit with Jen Stoneman. I had been eating well for over a year, taking huge strides towards health and balance, but I needed strength. Showing up for ParkFit has been the best thing. I learn something new every time. I have collected equipment to work out when I travel or can't get to class. I have consistently worked out 3-5 times a week since May of 2021 and it feels so good. I am strong and lean and more powerful than ever as I enter the second part of my 40's.
And the most vulnerable part of showing up lately has been that I'm stepping out of the relationship I have been in for over 26 years. It has been a long, slow process but it has been consistent and clear that it is over. Doing that work is the hardest thing I have ever done. Out of respect for my family I can't share all the parts right now, but it's been a journey of self discovery, loss and growth. It's not over yet but 2022 will be a year full of shifts and new phases and I will need all of my strength to get through it. I am so grateful for the community that I have around me who show up consistently and in all the best ways. I have often felt alone in this world - only child, alcoholic mom who I lost too young, working and living on my own from a young age - and yet as I have grown and evolved I have learned how important it is to connect with those around me. To have strong roots in community. And the fruits of that labor of love are so sweet.
So I will keep showing up. I will keep drawing, I will keep posting, I will keep lifting weights and running hard, I will keep traveling, I will keep adventuring, I will keep helping, I will keep cooking and collecting. I will keep showing up.
On March 30th I finished my 100 day project. I'm still drawing every day, often late into the night, posting past 12am so I guess it seems like the next day to those who see my feed. As I have shared, this has been such a gift. Last Friday I went to San Francisco for the first time in over a year and walked down a little street in the Mission that had the most amazing homes, with beautifully painted doors. I took so many photos and I have been drawing the doors all week. It has made me think about the meaning doors hold...the terms we use "Opening a new door" "when a door closes a window opens" and the doors I have walked thru, the doors I have closed, the doors I wish would open. I'm not sure where this project is leading me. I feel like mostly it has been full of learning to be in the moment. To notice things that are inspiring, to take the time to draw them and write about them, to make patterns, to be inspired by abstract collages and to embrace the best of digital media while keeping my analog style. When I think about it, it's a lot. This path is rich with discovery and innovation. I'm in an inbetween time - still more designer than artist as far as making a living, but I know I'm on the path and that feels so good. Thank you for following me, for stepping thru the doors, for imagining what is possible.
Today is day 65 of my 100 day project. This commitment to the 100 day project is the best gift I have given myself in a loooooong time - maybe ever. In my freshman year of college my drawing teacher said “get a notebook that fits in your pocket or bag, keep a pen with you - Draw.Every.Day” that’s IT. Writers say it too - Write.Every.Day. That is the “secret” formula and surprise surprise, it’s true! I have made more work that I am proud of in the last sixty four days than I have made in years. I am SO grateful for my classes with MATS but I knew I could not commit to that style of learning, this deep in the pandemic. I almost signed up for a surface pattern design class that starts this month. But there are still only 24 hours in the day and between work, kids home 24/7 and the creative practice I currently have, I just can't commit to a class right now. I want to keep learning and growing. I want to find more and more sucess in the arts. And sometimes I get caught up in thinking that I have to follow a certain path, listen to other people’s “how to” but I keep coming back to “draw everyday”. And part of the joy of my current daily practice is listening to podcasts while I draw. I’m listening to artists, illustrators and designers talk about making art and I can feel how real it all is. And the little voice in my head that says “you can’t really make money doing this” is not right...I am an artist and I draw everyday. "Art for Your Ear" with Danielle Krysa is so inspiring. She had Ann Carrington on recently. Ann is a an artist in England and she talked about being fresh out of university in the '90's and squatting in giant warehouses in London. It was legal, at the time to find an abandoned building and move in. She and her friends had an artist commune. At one point she decided to create a gallery in part of the space and have her own shows. She got so used to showing in her own way that even when galleries were offering her a show, she didn't sign with them. She shows occasionally with a gallery but she does not have a contract with anyone. She prefers to make her own way. This path has been interesting and hard sometimes but it feels like I'm finding a way to make work and share it with the world no matter what is happening or if I'm getting a "yes" from the usual outlets. We live in an unprecedented time of connection and it is an amazing feeling to update my website, post to Instagram daily and make sure it's all connected. Thank you to all who are following me, all who leave kind words of encouragement - I appreciate it all and I'll keep sharing new work and ideas and together we can make it happen!
Reflecting on what Instagram has meant to me in the last 4, almost 5 years. It has truely been a map of my creative path. In 2016 I made a small piece of artwork for a local show and I posted the process. I only posted 6 times that year! In 2017 I posted 3 times! I often start strong and then taper off, not just on Instagram but in my creativity. In 2018 I made a commitment to myself, I started taking online illustration classes. I always thought I’d go back to art school “someday” but kids and work and life kept pushing it farther and farther off. My dear friend, who is 10 years older than me, said “the next ten years are going to go by no matter what, you may as well start now.” It was so good to shift my perspective and just dive in. Committing to classes helped me to draw most days and to share my process. I posted 66 times in 2018 and I got the idea to start the A to Z memory book. In 2019 I kept taking classes and worked on the book and finished it by November just in time to get it to the printer and gift it to my kids in December. Sharing the process of creating the book meant that I posted more than ever - 87 times! Still so small to most but a lot for me. I signed up for “My Year of Art School” with @makeartthatsells in late 2019. I was all in - 2020 was going to be my most committed year. It certainly started off that way, but in late January we were getting the news that a pandemic was sweeping the globe and by the week of March 16th we were sheltering in place. For me, that didn’t mean I had extra time. It meant my day job was busier than ever (communications for the Town is Fairfax) and that my three kids were home 24/7. It was not easy to balance everything and my classes slipped further and further down the list. But somehow I was able to launch a Kickstarter campaign so that I could print and share the book. It was funded and then some and so I committed to creating and printing the companion workbook which just came this week! Through all that I posted 69 times.
I’m weary from the year, but in the last few days I’m feeling the “buzzy feeling” again and I want to make a commitment that I know I can keep. It’s the first time in three years that I have not signed up in advance for MATS classes. I hope to sign up for Bootcamp in March but I need to see what the next few months hold. So here is my commitment. Starting today, with this post, I will post for 100 days. I have never done a 100 day project but I need this structure right now and when I counted forward I realized that if I start now, it will take me to the week of March 16th, exactly one year from when Shelter in Place went into effect. For me, that holds deep significance. I need to find a way, no matter what, to draw and create or just notice and collect, everyday for the next 100 days and see where I am in March. I will have posted more that I have ever posted in an entire year. I still want to maintain what makes Instagram work for me - I only follow creative feeds - it could be food, painting, clothing, photography, but it must fill me with joy. I would love more followers but I am going for quality over quantity. I'm not sure yet how posting everyday will effect my presence on Instagram but I do know that it will make me make something everyday and that is the best gift I can give myself, especially in these upside down times.
I was just updating my website and saw my Instagram feed at the bottom of the page. My last few posts have all been about the emerging chicken coop and our first blue/green egg. As I glanced at it, I saw something bigger than the individual posts. I saw a dream come true. I looked at homes in Petaluma for almost two years before we actually moved. Each one held a vision of a homestead/family compound, filled with gardens, kids and chickens. The goal was to move with my closest friend, Belynda, and share land. It didn't work out that way, at least not yet. But I did find this sweet property in the middle of the city and the first day I saw it I asked if we could have chickens. This desire to homestead, to have animals and land, is deep. My mom did what she could with our land and shared this with me. Her family were early pioneers and so this is deep in our bloodline. My cousin reminded me today that our Grandpa Henry would be so proud. He was an old school Italian, East Coast guy who had chickens and ducks and a mini farm in the backyard of the shared home where my aunt and uncle lived with him and my Nana. It took a pandemic to help me commit to adding more beings to care for, but I have no regrets. And the coop, well that took longer than planned too. But this week it is all coming together, thanks to my amazing friend, Meredith Law. We are Scorpio sisters, creative souls, makers, mamas, resourceful and so much more. She is birthing this dream for me. While I work and help Dax with school. She is making it happen. And this week, right now, I feel like some of the community and dream of a homestead are coming true. There is more to do, I want to own the land someday, I want add another little home, I hope Belynda will live here with us eventually, we need more rooms and more bathrooms, but a chicken coop and six healthy chickens feels like a pretty good start. And I am grateful for that.
We're two months into distance learning for this school year...so how's it going? Well, honestly, a little bit better than I thought it would be. Yes, I run from morning till night juggling kids, food, cleaning, learning, working, cooking again and again. And I have almost no free time. It's hard. But today I was thinking about it from a different perspective. This is the third time I've been a first grade parent. It sounds silly but first grade is HARD, really it is. Because this little person is going from kindergarten play and projects to learning letters and numbers and reading and comprehension and sitting at a desk and so much more. My older kids who are now 16 and 13, a high school junior and a 7th grader, did not do well in first grade. My oldest missed a ton of days because he was miserable and I didn't have the heart to force him to go. My middle child showed signs of anxiety when I dropped her off at school every morning and her teacher just would not let up on all the things she wasn't doing right. Her experience was so negative it took years to undo and a total shift in schools. My kids are not early readers. They are early builders and creators. They are kind, they are funny. The pressure to read in first grade nearly undid them. And my youngest tolerated school last year but always said he didn't like it. He's no fan of Zoom either but I'm realizing that something interesting is happening. We are basically homeschooling. We get the curriculum from the teacher, she helps with some parts but overall, I'm in charge. I'm more engaged than I've ever been as a first grade parent. I am aware of the lessons and I'm watching what works and what does not work and then I'm adapting. And my little guy is getting more time to build legos and be himself than he ever would at school. Yes, he's missing out on some things and I'm not sure I'd ever really homeschool but it's always been in the back of my mind and now that I have a taste, I'm seeing the benefits, my youngest might not get chewed up by first grade. He might stay in touch with his inner voice longer and stronger, he might shine because of this upside-down year. And that is a little bit of a silver lining to all this craziness.
I saw my dad last week, for the first time since February 2020. In an effort to keep him safe, I have sacrificed precious time with him. He is 85 years old, he's seen a lot in his lifetime, but nothing like this pandemic and all the fall out. He is mostly at peace with his exposure risk. He wants to live his life, see his friends and his family. He wants to walk and get his coffee every morning, so he does. Because he knows that time is precious and is to be lived.
He called me today to tell me how much he loves my book. I delivered him a copy when I saw him. He loved all the memories I had recorded and he loved that it sparked his own memories. As I shared the book with my sister and my dad, we both thought how lovely it would be to do an A to Z memory book about our Nana, my dad's mom. And that we could gather memories from my dad's sister and her two kids who grew up in the same duplex with my grandparents. And then I thought, I want an A to Z memory book about my dad's life and his memories. I want all the memories, recorded and preserved. But time is not my friend right now. Many people have more time in this pandemic. And then others, like me, have less. We have kids home and yet still work the same or more hours from home. I am facilitating first grade most of the week and on the weekend I'm lucky if I can carve out some time for myself to do nothing or to be creative. So when would I find the time to record all of this and to really honor it. Well the solution might be that I need to spend my time finishing the A to Z Workbook so that I can send them to friends and family and share the process. So that we can all record our stories and share them. Or take the time to record our memories of a loved one that we all want to remember.
I am struggling to find the time to finish the workbook but I am reinspired by my dad's experience with the book. That just by reading it, memories bubble up. And for many people, there is more time right now to pause and remember and record. I read that the truest way to honor Ruth Bader Ginsburg is not to say "Rest In Peace" but rather to say "May her memory be a blessing". And that is at the heart of this project, may our memory be a blessing.
People often say to me, "I don't know how you do it..." I guess it's a complement? but it doesn't feel like one. I do it all because I have to. I have three kids with a huge age range - 16, almost 13 and 6 - it's a crazy combination that requires a lot of juggling. Oh, and they go to three different schools, one on a year round schedule. Oh, and I work "part time" but with Covid-19 my job pushes the edge of part time hours every week. So I fit in work hours in the midst of driving to skate parks, the beach, buying tons of food daily, and trying to take care of myself as well. Because for years the other thing people have said is " You really need to take better care of your self so you can take care of others." It happens in fits and spurts but this year I was on a roll. Therapy on Mondays, Yoga for an hour on Thursdays and an Al-Anon meeting on Friday morning. I gave up sugar, dairy and grain. I walked and biked as much as possible. I was "doing it all!" and then Shelter in Place hit in March. And suddenly I was doing it all with everyone home. And working more than ever.
Well, we have made it through almost six months of this with some loosening of restrictions so we can go out a little more and we even went to Monterey to visit our very close family friend and have a week of sand and surf and no work. It was delicious. Summer is wrapping up and this is the week, the final lap before they go back to school. Normally, parents are collectively holding their breath, waiting to exhale on the first day of school when we feed them, take a cute picture (if they will still let us) and drop them off at school. Sure, there's a ton of paperwork and back to school night and more emails that we can handle but they are gone, at school for at least six hours a day. It's worth it. But what are we doing this year instead? Setting up desks at home, preparing to "homeschool". Wow! due to extreme incompetency at the highest levels we are actually doing worse than we were in March and I think we can all agree it's not going to get better as we roll into fall and winter. So what we are really facing, after months of "maybe they'll go back part time? or full time by the spring?" is a school year of online learning. I had another finish line that I have been looking forward to for years. First Grade. When my youngest child would be in school until 2:50 five days a week. No preschool tuition, no aftercare to make up for the gap between 12:30 and 3 a few days a week so I could work. Instead I'll be sitting with him, in our living room, supporting his "distance learning" while I cram in work where I can and make food all day long for the hungry hoards that will be home all day long.
So here is my question. Why is this not a big deal? Why are parents not protesting in the streets? We are just being left to figure it out on our own. And there is only a whisper of the racial equity and social justice part of all this. I can't afford a tutor and most of our close friends from school don't feel comfortable with a pod right now. But I still have some flexibility with work and enough space in our yard that we can play and jump and run. But I can't afford not to work. I can't "pull back" while my partner steps up. I make more than half of our income and it's just to pay for the basics. So I'm also wondering how are people who don't work from home supposed to do this? And what happens to the kids who don't have anyone home with them. Do we, as a society, even care? Because if we cared, there would be an emergency fund that pays a real amount (2/3 pay when you are pay check to pay check does not cut it) that one parent could tap into so that they can be home as long as schools are closed. That is the only way this thing could work and not drive us all crazy. But it's not happening. So we get to do it all...and MORE.
I have a theory. When a woman gives birth for the first time, she should become super human. She will never get sick and she will only die after a long and happy life. We are expected to be super human already. To do a million and one things well and to never rest even when we get sick. So why can we get sick? And more importantly, why can a mom die before her time? I know too many motherless daughters and kids who are growing up without their moms. Cancer is a big one. But then there are the out of the blue losses - car accidents, a sudden health incident. I just heard yesterday of an immense loss to a family that we know in Marin. We don't see them as often because we live a few towns away now, but to hear of the loss that they are experiencing shook me to the core. Moms should never die. We mean too much. Our kids need us through the twists and turns of life. We need to be there when our daughters give birth and have sleepless nights and nursing issues. We need to be there to love our grandkids and take some of the pressure off our kids. We need to be here.
I was lucky in the big scheme of things I got 26 years with my mom. But it wasn't enough. And knowing how much that hurts, when I try and stand in the shoes of a 10 year old or a 15 year old, my heart aches. And I want to yell to the heavens - moms should never die!!! Every fairy tale that became a Disney movie starts with the mom is gone and then...it's never good. Never.
Reading about other daughter's loss on Mother's Day is truly what inspired me to move forward with a crowdsource campaign to print my memory book. As I step forward with this project into the world I keep feeling pulled to do something more. It is such a SMALL drop in the bucket, but I am creating a workbook to go with the book. It will be a way for anyone to record their own memories of their loved one. It could be just for yourself or to share with your kids or the kids you someday hope to have. There will be prompts to help you remember some of your favorite things and there will be an A to Z list so you can plan and brainstorm before you start creating. If you like to draw - great! - if not, then it could be collage or photos and a little or a lot of writing to go with the images.
I deeply hope that it can bring a tiny bit of comfort to those who have lost too much, too soon. I hope. Because this loss makes no sense and it never will. We live with waves of grief and we ride them thru the highs and lows of our lives that we wish we could share with our mom.
I’ve been crowdsourcing since before it was a “thing”. I was lucky to have friends in the fundraising department at Art Center - especially Shoko Takada. When I imagined going to the National Stationary Show in 2004 she helped me believe it was possible. She had me write letters to everyone I knew - friends and family - and I mailed them! Yes, mail. Real mail. I told my story, listed my goals and asked for help. I got so much support, enough to start my company Block Party Cards and go to New York City with an 11 month old baby in my arms. I was even able to pay for my mother in law to fly out and meet me so that she could take care of Jasper while I worked at the show. Someone in my mom's group in LA had a cousin in Brooklyn who offered her apartment - for free! It was amazing. I was WAY out of my league but the experience was priceless. I met Amy Mason who I'm still in touch with, she was a few booths down and fell in love with Jasper who would walk his "travel stroller", up and down the aisles. He was just learning to walk and he was super cute. Sometimes I feel like I "failed" at my goal of having a successful stationary line. But in the process of creating that line, I learned how to design and maintain my own website. That skill has grown into what I do today for my "day job". And it has created the flexible work that has always been my dream so that I could work from home and be here to raise my kids.
I haven’t “made it” like I imagined I would. Jasper was about to turn one when I went to the Stationary Show. He’ll be 16 on June 12th four days before this campaign ends. I’ve done some great things in these 15 years. I've been raising three children , volunteering at their wonderful schools, building community, working for the Town of Fairfax - building a recreation department and then focusing on design & marketing and now running communications for the whole town. I've been practical, I've gotten things done but the thing is my dream hasn’t changed. I still want drawing and painting - illustrations, surface pattern design and more - to be my main source of income. It may take me another 15 years to get there. But I'm not going to give up.
I have not had the launching pad that some have had, or the safety net. My parents gave me a lot of love but couldn't give me much else. I've been working since I was 14 and I grew up too fast as a result of the life I lived with my mom. I moved out and had more expenses than most at my age and I didn't finish college because it was too much to juggle work and school. I often start to feel sorry for myself, thinking of all the things I could have done with more support. But then I remember that I am strong and compassionate and I have amazing friends - the girl who ate her lunch in the bathroom alone in elementary school - has built a community of wonderful friends. And I have family I've collected in some round about ways in addition to my interesting family tree. And here is what I have learned from crowdsourcing - as hard as it is to ask for help, it feels so good to know that something that I'm imagining can actually come true with a little bit of help from a lot of amazing people.
I doubt sometimes if this book has appeal beyond my friends and family. I don't know yet. But I feel like it's the beginning of something. The idea came to me from the universal creative source it doesn't feel like it was "my idea" it feels like a call to action. It feels like the loss I have experienced thru my mom can help others find a way to some peace. It feels like I'm honoring all the good things about my mom's life even though when she died, things were not good and had not been good for a long, long time. I watched a movie tonight and the main character got to make amends with his dad who was abusive to him growing up. It was hard to watch. The work I'm doing to forgive my mom is one sided, I'll never get to hear her say that she is sorry. Many of us will never get to hear that. We have to carry our grief and our pain and our anger and then we have to let go. So we can lives full of joy and creativity instead of pain and fear. The movie was about a song he wrote after loosing his dad. It went on to touch millions of people. When we share our journey, when we are honest, we can be part of something greater than ourselves.
So to all the amazing people who have helped me so far and for those who might still be jumping on the campaign, thank you for helping me to keep dreaming, to keep doing and keep believing. This is not how I thought it would look but maybe it's better than anything I could have imagined.
Sometimes I wonder if I was born in the right time... I long for a bygone era and yet I dream of a future that holds the best of technology mixed with the “old ways” that are so much gentler on us and the earth.